I'm headed back Stateside very soon, and unfortunately, my residence permit expires while I'm gone. In order to get it extended, I needed to have my Foreign Expert's Certificate extended.

The extension of the foreign expert's certificate requires a week, the extension of the residence permit also requires a week. Each requires multiple trips to multiple offices, lots of paperwork, and a smattering of red rubber stampings.

I leave in a week.

I've managed, somehow, in the last few days, to meet the two friendliest, most helpful Chinese government workers ever. The first in the Office of Importing Foreign Intellectuals (see included photo) the second at the big Public Security Bureau building near the Lama Temple.

The first told me that, if I faxed him a letter explaining my situation and included my flight itinerary, he'd see what he could do. What he did was get my certificate back to me in less than twenty-four hours. He even called me this morning (!!!) to tell me that my certificate would be ready by 3pm. Holy crap.

Oh, and big ups to Melissa and her intern for helping me write the letter.

Today, I tried to get my visa extended. I was told that it would take a week, and a bunch of paperwork (which I didn't have) to get it done.

I explained my situation. She told me that, if I could get the paperwork and red rubber stamps back to her by tomorrow, she'd make sure I had my passport back before I leave. She told me to come straight to her and avoid the other workers.

I'm crossing my fingers... as I need to visit a police station tomorrow for some other paperwork. I hope it goes as smoothly. I also hope I find the incredibly nice lady at the PSB.

I know my friends who helped me get the Foreign Expert's certificate won't ever read this (as it's written poorly in a foreign language... but thanks to them endlessly anyhow.

** Update **
This morning I went to the police station to get my temporary residence whatever thingy we laowai all need but frequently are late in getting...

I ran into someone I casually know, he lived in the same complex and was in need of the same card. He was first in line, and for some reason, they gave him a lot of shit... "You've lived here for this long and still haven't had this done... that's illegal, you know. You should be fined."

For some reason, the same police woman gave me absolutely no trouble and just signed the papers and printed my form.

I headed straight to the PSB, and filled out some forms, talked to the right people, and I'll have my passport back on the morning that I leave. Eek.

Labels: Beijing Adventures, Bullshit, Bureaucracy, Good Luck

So, as if you weren't already convinced that I'm a complete geek, here's some more evidence:


I've been keeping a 'journal' of the cost-effectiveness of my new scooter via an excel spreadsheet. This week, my scooter has finally paid for itself and started actually saving me money.

I put in a few factors here (all figures in RMB):

• Cost of the bike : 2500
  
• Cost of the fake plate : 310
  
• Cost of gas : To date: 238+
  
• Cost of maintenance : To date: 500+
  
• Cab fare saved : To date: 3780+

I have not included trips to the mechanic or gas station under the "cab fare saved" column, and the maintenance includes preventative measures, repairs, and additions (like the lovely new horn or the 'performance' shocks I put on to lift my giant laowai ass off the ground).

Anyhow, I'm happy to report that it's all savings from here on out. And yes, I am crazy enough to continue driving it throughout winter.

Labels: Geek, Scooters

After being a dick a few too many times and getting myself punched by cab drivers, pimps, or whoever happened to annoy me, I decided to learn to control my temper. Over the last year or so, I've been doing a pretty good job of it.

But, for some reason, the last few days have really tried my patience, and I've blown up a few times.

Today, for example, some twenty-something asshole whose parents bought for him an awesome ricer sportscar that gets him all sorts of laid decided it would be a good idea to sideswipe me and knock me off my bike. He did this within my apartment complex (which is saturated with speedbumps) right before making a left turn at a blind T intersection. At the Bucknuts Freaking Moron School of Driving, he learned that all of those things- speedbumps, left turns, and not being able to see traffic around the corner are reasons to speed up. Unfortunately, I'm not an alumnus, and so I was going way too slow for him. Good enough reason for him to blare his horn and knock me off of his bike. That, and he has a small prick.

I got up, hunted his ass down, blaring my horn futilely at him, and as he was driving into his apartment's parking lot, stopped him and yelled at him (slightly less futilely). He struggled to think of something to say in response to questions like, "Why do you drive like that? Are you trying to kill people, or are you just an idiot?"

His inability to answer annoyed me more, so I punched his car. This is the kind of stupid shit I do when I'm pissed. The right idea would have been to punch him, considering that his car- although a pointlessly lame ricer- wasn't being an asshole, and more importantly can't feel pain.

His passenger, who spoke irritatingly good English, got out and apologized politely and shook my hand. I'm still pissed off about how quickly that calmed me down and made me go away.

* * * * * * * *

So, later, while getting my oil changed, I noticed this hanging on the wall of mechanic's shop:


I asked the mechanic if he could install this while fixing my turn signals. He laughed, and did it. When asked "how loud is it is?" He said, "Loud... heh. Once I install it, you'll see."

It was loud. It was loud enough to annoy people who repair motorcycles. It was so loud, it knocked a cat off of a nearby roof. It's loud enough that it kind of hurts my ears when I use it.

It was fun making cab drivers slam on their brakes by making them think that a giant, blue, poorly-made truck was about to T-bone them. However, I really got my chance to test it out later this evening...

As I was entering an apartment complex gate, one of the guards in the guardhouse threw something at me. It was a banana peel. It landed between my feet on my scooter while I was moving. I heard the laughter of two halfwits coming from the guardhouse. I stopped, backed up, and looked inside. Immediately, two guards that could easily intimidate an 8 year old girl came out to apologize.

"Why did you throw that at me?" I asked.
"Um... I'm terribly sorry. It was an accident. I didn't see there was a person there."
"You don't have eyes? Or, was my headlight blinding and you are too stupid to logically reason that, if there's a moving vehicle there must be a person on it?"
"But, I said I'm sorry."
"So, why did you do that? Was it some kind of joke?"
"No no no... I didn't know..."
"Why did you laugh?"
"Um... I... uh..."
"I have something that's funny... come close."
"Huh?"
"Closer."

Nearly knocked him out of his standard issue tennis shoes.

Labels: Scooters