Now that I'm 30, there's few changes I have to make to my life, because that's what adults do.

• Stop going to bed at 4am: It's unprofessional. People will think I'm much more professional if I wake up at 6 or 7am and sit in rush hour traffic until 10. This way, when I finally start working at 11 after downing a double tall latte or two, they won't look at me and say, "Just got out of bed?" They'll see an obvious unrested, wired, wage slave and think "Now there's a guy who's got his shit together.
• Think about buying a house: Living with a roommate is something college kids do. What I really need to do if I want people to respect me is tie myself down financially. Having the ability to just go where one pleases is a sign of immaturity, and it's time I move beyond that.
• Get a car: Not in the mid-life crisis way. I'm talking about something practical, dependable and family friendly. Like a Cadillac Escalade.
• Get a haircut and a real job: I'm going bald anyhow, and keeping a 9 to 5 really shows how mature one is. Only a true adult is ready to give up looking for the life he or she wants and accept a life that pays the bills even if it means 8 hours a day with people he or she secretly wants to murder.
• Hang up the chick habit: A girl's not a tonic nor a pill. I need to switch to alcohol: the drug of choice for grown men who otherwise despise their 9-5s, their houses, and their jobs.
  

Labels: Bullshit, Work